


Artifact? What Artifact?

by Keziah



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies), Stargate - All Series, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Warehouse 13
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-03-16 08:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keziah/pseuds/Keziah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens if Warehouse 13 were in the same universe as all the other movies.<br/>[WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP as Claudia runs through movies destroying plots. Arm flailing not optional.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stargate

**Author's Note:**

> All the characters from Warehouse 13 are alive and happy. Ignore any form of canonical timelines. Credit to Elizabeth Doman for the idea.

“Artie?”

“What?”

“How are we supposed to bring this back to the Warehouse?”

“In a bag or a can, like you usually do!”

“Artie, just look.”

Steve turned the Farnsworth around, pointing it at the large stone circle standing upright in the middle of the room. “I don’t think it’s going to fit in a bag, Artie.”

Artie adjusted his glasses and peered through the Farnsworth. “The whole thing is the artifact?”

“Yep. And we think someone has gone through it.”

“Gone through it?”

“Yeah, you said it was probably a teleportation artifact, right?”

Artie templed his fingers together. “What makes you think someone has used it?”

Pete leaned in. “There were a ton more guards than we expected, and the circle is all clean and glowy.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed. “And there is paperwork detailing some sort of expedition mission.”

“Well. Bring it back anyway. I’ll send Leena with a helicopter and a replica. She’ll be there in, oh, 8 hours. Just hang tight.” and he hung up.

Steve turned to Pete. “Hang tight? For eight hours? Really?”

Pete sighed. “I’ll go find some rope to tie up the guards.”

“We’d better wear masks. The teslas don’t erase that much memory.”


	2. The Avengers

When Myka and Pete entered the Warehouse they stopped short. Artie was yelling at Mrs. Frederic.

“You said it would be fine. You said we didn’t need to worry about it. You said since SHIELD did a fine job with the hammer, we can trust them with this. AND THEN A BLOODY ALIEN ARMY INVADES NEW YORK! We should have put it in the dark vault 50 years ago, but no, someone was trying to play nice with the other agencies.”

Claudia edged around the room and grabbed their arms, pulling them outside the office. They could still hear Artie yelling and Mrs. Frederic making soothing noises, but couldn’t distinguish any words. Steve was already out there, leaning back in a chair and resting his feet on the rail. “What is going on?” asked Myka.

“Remember that mess in New York a few weeks ago?” Steve replied.

Myka shrugged. “Vaguely. I was in Africa when that happened.”

“Well, it all happened because of an artifact, of course. An artifact that they had eyes on when Artie first got to the warehouse, but never collected.”

“Why not?” Pete asked “That’s our job isn’t it?”

Claudia continued the explanation. “It was already locked up. SHIELD had it secured, so Mrs. Frederic decided to leave it there. They were really busy with something else at the time and couldn’t afford to spend the resources to break into a high-security SHIELD facility. Or so the report says.”

“And then SHIELD was compromised and the artifact starts making trouble.” Myka concluded. “Got it.”

“Yeah.” Claudia sighed. “And now we get to deal with the blowout.”

“Where is the artifact now? Did we put it in the dark vault?”

“Unfortunately not.” A smooth British voice came from behind them. “I would love to be able to examine it, but it got sent back to Asgard, along with Loki.”

The group turned to see HG walking up the stairs. Myka smiled at the sight. “I don’t think Artie would have let you examine it, even if we did have it.”

“Wait a minute!” Pete exclaimed. “Wasn’t Loki the guy causing trouble last year? When I got to pick up Thor’s hammer?”

“You said you couldn't pick it up.” Claudia retorted.

“Details, details.” Peter waved her objection off. “Anyway, I thought they took care of the guy.”

“Apparently not.” Steve said. “And we’re to stay hands off in the name of interagency respect, though honestly, I think it’s because Mrs. Frederic doesn’t want to associate the Warehouse with them.”

Claudia peered through the window. “Mrs. Frederic is gone. Better look busy!”

The five adults scattered as Artie stormed out of the office.


	3. Night at the Museum

Larry arrived at the museum just as it was closing. Dr. McPhee handed over the keys and glared at him. Soon, the museum was deserted. Everything was quiet as he patrolled the halls. He turned a corner to see a short fat man carefully taking a display off the wall.

“Hey! What are you doing? You’re not supposed to be here!”

The man turned to look at him. “You’re not the regular guards.”

“What?”

The man pushed his round glasses up his nose. “You’re much less intelligent than the last guards.”

Larry noticed the metal tablet in the man’s hand. “You’re not supposed to be touching that.”

The man sighed. “Of course I’m not. You should really try to not point out the obvious.”

He dropped the tablet into a purple bag, and ducked as sparks flew out of it. Setting the bag down on a nearby table, he began rummaging through his old-fashioned briefcase. Larry watched, open-mouthed, as he pulled out an identical metal tablet and placed it in the display case. The man picked up his briefcase and the purple bag, settled a hat firmly on his head and walked past Larry and out the door.

Larry stared after him for a brief moment, before the man poked his head back in.

“Oh, tell Cecil I said hi. And that he owes me 20 bucks.”

Larry looked at the now-empty doorway. “Huh?”


	4. Thor

New Mexico was hot. And dry. And hot. Myka was not happy. They drove their rental SUV (fortunately with working air conditioning) to the coordinates Artie had given them.

“Looks like something fell in from space.” Myka said as they drove up to a crater. “Maybe a piece of Sputnik I?”

“Maybe it’s aliens!” Pete bounced. “Aliens would be cool.”

“You believe in aliens.” Myka looked over the top of her sunglasses at him.

“Well, duh.” Pete rolled his eyes. “We’ve got King Arthur’s sword and Icarus’s wings sitting in the warehouse. Like aliens are that unbelievable.” He eagerly climbed out of the car and slid down the inside of the crater, where they could see a chunk of something sitting in the center. Myka cautiously followed.

When she got down to the bottom, Pete was crouched over it. She pulled him back to get a better look. “It’s a hammer. An ancient Norse hammer.”

“I know! Mjolnir!” Pete was staring at it in awe.

“What?”

“Mjolnir! Thor’s hammer!”

“You touched it didn’t you.” Myka never saw Pete this reverent. It had to be a whammy.

He shook his head furiously. “Nope. I know better than to try to lift it.”

“Okaaaaaaaay.” Myka snapped on a pair of purple gloves and passed the static bag to Pete. “Hold the bag then.” She bent down and grabbed the handle, trying to lift it up and into the static bag. It refused to budge. Myka frowned. “Seriously?”

“It’s Thor’s hammer, Myka.” Pete said seriously. “We’re not going to be able to pick it up.”

“Yes, we are.”

Over the next half an hour they tried everything, Myka determinedly and Pete reluctantly. Static bags, cans of goo. Myka even attempted to dig under the hammer, trying to dislodge it. Nothing made a difference. The goo slid off, the dirt was impenetrable. She glared at the hammer. “I’m going to go get some rope.” She announced.

Pete sighed. “I told you Mykes, we can’t move it. Only Thor can!”

“This isn’t a comic book, Pete!”

“When has that stopped an artifact before?”

“It is our job to bag and tag it!”   
“I know, I know.” Pete reassured. “Let’s call Artie, huh?” He held out his hand for the Farnsworth. “And if he wants us to keep going, we’ll keep going, but I don’t think he’s going to want us to.”

Myka stared at him. “Fine.” She pulled out her Farnsworth. “But I’m calling!”

Artie picked up with a grumble. “What.”

“Artie. Is this it?” Myka turned the Farnsworth so Artie could see the hammer.

“That’s it.” Artie replied. “What’s the problem?”

“We can’t pick it up.”

“Oh. Well, goo it. That should neutralize the effects.”

“Tried that.” Myka explained. “It won’t move.”

“It’s Thor’s hammer!” Pete declared. “It will only move for someone who’s worthy!”

Artie glared through the Farnsworth. “Move me closer.”

Myka obliged.

They all three jumped when Mrs. Frederic’s voice came through the speakers. “Asgardian, I see. We haven’t had to deal with one of those in a very long time.”

“Any other priceless advice?” Artie grouched.

Mrs. Frederic spoke firmly. “Let SHIELD take care of it. They’ve been grousing about inter-agency cooperation again.”

Artie sighed. “Fine. Leave it. Come back to the Warehouse. We have inventory to do. We’ll just waste my agents’ precious time and my budget haring off to New Mexico for no good reason . . .”

“Wait!” Myka said, stepping forward, as if she could go through the Farnsworth. “We’re just going to leave it here?”

“It won’t be a problem.” Mrs. Frederic responded. “No one can move, and SHIELD will find out about it soon enough.”

Pete snorted as Myka took another aggressive step forward and began citing the handbook regulation number whatever in an attempt to change Mrs. Frederic’s mind. As if that ever worked. He glanced down at the hammer. He glanced back up at Myka, who was still engrossed in the finer points of Warehouse Handbook Law. Before he could change his mind, he reached down and swiftly tugged on the hammer. It rose smoothly in his hand before he dropped it in surprise.

“Pete!”

“I didn’t do it!” He yelped, staring at Myka as she slammed the Farnsworth shut and turned towards him.

“Let’s go.” she griped. “Our plane home leaves in two hours and since we can’t move the damn hammer we get to sit four more hours in coach for nothing.”

“Yeah, yeah. Coming.”

Pete hurried after her, giving the hammer one more glance before climbing into the SUV.

**Author's Note:**

> I take prompts! Hit me up at keziahm.tumblr.com


End file.
